it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We left the knife in your bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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