Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
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i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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