in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
