So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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