Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
