So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
