In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
vagina is talking i cant
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
