i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
