nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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