She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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