do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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