I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just pee around me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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