I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
