I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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