Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
