You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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