If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
