All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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