I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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