Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
