If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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