Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
