it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
