R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
