if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
