we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
