I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
