she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
