I murdered the dance floor call the cops
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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