I'd wear matching sweaters with you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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