Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
