toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
