When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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