Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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