Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
