my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
