apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
