if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
