He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
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I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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