Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
