Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she smelled like a LAN party
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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