Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
