Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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