Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
