Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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