mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
