This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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