...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
