I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
