I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
