the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize