i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
