I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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