my phone needs a breathalizer
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
