I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
