I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
