I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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