My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
