Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
