epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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