i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She's the barista slut.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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